Thursday, December 2, 2010

Why

" . . . the loss that I had experienced was no longer something I wanted to define me" 
Mama Kat 

It's been a while since I wrote something for myself, I wrote stuff but mostly for work. Nothing that said anything about who I was or what was going on with me and the people that mattered. I didn't write anything that I felt anything about, because for a moment there I lost my "why". 

I did a lot of things the past few months, I was busy with trying to keep busy. I was busy moving furniture around, took down the walls of  my dads room to make a bigger living room. I cooked and cooked, even took photos so I could post the recipes on this blog. Had a few friends over for taste tests and cooked some more. I put the Christmas tree up as early as November because I wanted to drive the bad away. I kept doing small projects around the house, would have even repainted the walls if hubby did not stop me. I was busy keeping busy, because I lost my "why" and there was nothing to write about. 

When I was younger, I wrote sad stuff because as Mama Kat put it, I wanted to get the sad out. But I never shared it to anyone. Mostly just a few people that knew what my sadness meant. When I got a little older, I began to see how great life is and I wanted to write about that. I wanted to write so my daughter would see that she was loved, I wanted her to read about how much her parents loved each other and how there are so many things to be thankful for. 

I stopped because for a while I forgot that. I lost my "why".

I have never been a big planner, sure hubby and I had dreams but before we got too far,we would always go back to earth. Mostly because we needed to think about how this dream or that dream would affect my parents. Being the youngest, I was responsible for them and had to bring them along. Why?  Because, it was what I was always told. During each of their funerals, people would often say, "oh, you are so strong you can still do this and that". Well, what else would I be?  I broke my grief into a series of tasks, things that needed to be done. Why? Because, it was what I had to do. 


When they died, I told hubby that I lost my "why", not because I was grief stricken but because now I had to plan and work on MY dreams, my family's dreams, our own dreams that did not include them. 


I got stuck for a moment there, so I stopped writing, but as Mama Kat so eloquently put it "the loss that I had experienced was no longer something I wanted to define me". 

I don't know all my new dreams yet and yes . . . at 31 I have to work on my new "whys". But isn't that the fun part? 



Mama's Losin' It;

8 comments:

  1. Oh my... I related to this post so much. "to get the sad out"... I think that's how my posts began... it's gradually getting out... and now I'm at the "why"? Great post...

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  2. Sorry you lost your parents. Good luck finding your "whys" again.

    visitng from MamaKat's
    -Julie from 3MomsIn1.com

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  3. I had the same thing happen to me. I started to get frustrated about writing on my blog cause I would read others and they seemed so eloqent and I just seemed not to par. It seemed that nothing I had to say was important to anyone. What was the point in writing anymore, so I completely stopped blogging until I started another blog with the notion that I will not let the lack of people's comments get me down!!!! I hope you found your Why again...Keep it up =D

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  4. This was a beautiful post. I totally understand what you are saying and I am right now, trying to find my 'why'

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  5. I hope you find your why again. Sounds like you're already on that path.

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  6. I hope you find your "why". I sometimes think that when we're older we begin to realize that the "why" of our 20s and teens is not the "why" we need to live by. :hug:

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  7. Great post. I stopped writing for a while. Just started my blog to get back into it. You said it all quite perfectly :0)

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  8. great post...touches a raw spot with me right now..here is to finding our why again :)

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